Peter and Tootles
by bikelock28
Summary: "'Barney, what are you doing here?"'. Barney pushes past him into the house, 'Does a guy need permission to visit his best bro and his little niece? Even if she isn't wearing her I Heart Uncle Barney onesie,' he observes. 'Uh, at this time of night- yeah,'. Barney and Robin fight. Ted's baby daughter won't sleep. They both help each other out. Please R & R. (written before finale)


**Not sure where this came from but it wanted to be written and I've spent a lot of time trying to get it right. **

**T for swearing. I don't own HIMYM. I really hope you enjoy.**

_"I'd go have a drink with Barney and Robin; watch them fight about their caterer- or whatever it was they were fighting about that night. But none of those things is the thing I'd do first. You know the thing I'd do first,"_

Ted- 8.20,_ The Time Travellers_

Peter and Tootles 

_October 2015_

She hasn't slept for days. It's a nightmare, he thinks, as he jiggles her up and down in his arms; pacing back and forth, through the hall again and again, zombie-like. They don't know what's wrong with her- she doesn't need feeding or burping or changing- and they agreed to take her to the doctor tomorrow if she was bad again during the night- and she is. He knew from Marshall and Lily that having a kid would be tough- but nothing could prepare him for the constant torture of being woken by screaming and wailing four times a night, and having to drag himself out of bed to feed or change or calm the baby down. Nothing could prepare him for the dull repetitiveness of parenthood, or for the disorganised diary and untidy house. His daughter's quiet now, but she's still gurgling and wriggling and making hiccup-sob noises. Outside, the rain beats down. He reaches the wall, turns around again and paces back to the door, stroking his daughter's warm back.

"Go to sleep," he murmurs into her head, "Please darling, go to sleep. I know it's hard, but Daddy's as tired as you are,"

She just kicks her tiny feet against him frustratedly.

"Shh. Shh, it's alright," God forbid she starts bawling again, "I know, I know. It's no fun, is it? I've got you. Shh, shh,"

He adjusts position so that her head's on his shoulder, her little hands clutching tightly onto the neck of his pyjama t-shirt. He cranes his neck to kiss her lightly.

"You get yourself through tonight and Mommy'll take you to the doctor tomorrow and you'll get better, right? Just try and sleep for a while now, eh?" It occurs to him that he and a lot of other people speak to babies in questions.

"Good girl. There's my good girl. You try to send yourself off to sleep, 'kay? I know it's tough,"

Wall. Turn. Pace, pace, pace, pace. Door. Turn. Pace, pace, pace, pace. Wall. Turn.

This always looked cute in movies but in reality it's draining the life out of him. It isn't simply the fatigue- it's the _boredom. _He's spent hours pacing this hall with the baby in his arms, and he reckons he's run out of things to _think _about-there's only so many times he can recite the 'Ray, People Will Come'monologue from _Field of Dreams _to himself before accepting that it isn't really a test because he knows it off by heart. Truth be told, he's probably lapsed into a dream-like state; pacing mechanically and barely registering what he's saying to her.

Then the doorbell rings.

He sighs exasperatedly. Who the hell is _that_, here at God-knows-what a.m? Then he realises that there are very few answers to the question, and whoever the answer is probably needs him right now. They'd _better_ need him, he thinks; he's already got enough of a headache as it is.

He crosses back to the door, shifts the baby onto one arm and uses his free hand to open the lock.

"Hello, Ted," says Barney

He's wearing a navy suit which is damp at the shoulders, and grey shirt with the top two buttons undone. There's a teal tie stuffed in his pocket.

"Barney, what the hell are you doing here?"

Barney pushes past him into the house, "Does a guy need permission to visit his best bro and his little niece? Even if she isn't wearing her _I Heart Uncle Barney _onesie," he observes.

Ted disregards the last comment and points out- "Uh, at this time of night- _yeah_,"

"Relax, Ted. I haven't seen you since last Thursday- I wanted to say hi,"

Barney goes into the lounge, flicks on the lights (Ted winces) and throws himself onto the couch, "How's the family?"

Ted sighs. Barney doesn't seem in the mood to explain why he's here, so Ted sits down beside him and admits, "Not too good. She's sick. She keeps crying and she hasn't slept and-"

"Yeah, Ted, I don't need a medical analysis. I was just asking for form,"

"Oh. Right, yeah,"

"All I care about is how cute little Miss Mosby is,"

Barney pulls the gurn-type face which most people do with a baby, and brushes her cheek with his thumb, locking his grey-blue eyes on her huge brown ones- and Ted feels strangely old and wise. He _knows_ what a non-stop physical struggle having a kid is, but Barney's focussed on her alien cuteness. The baby's a novelty for Barney - a lovely, adorable novelty which he can have fun with. For Ted, that novelty wore off weeks ago.

"I'm exhausted," he admits, "I really wanna go to sleep, but I need to make sure she is first,"

"Give her here, then," asks Barney, reaching for the baby.

"No,"

"Why not?"

"I'm getting her off to sleep. And- look, Barney- you reek of booze right now. What happened?"

"It doesn't matter," he replies carelessly.

"Yes, it does. You can't show up here and not tell me what's wrong,"

Ted's dark eyes look earnestly at him and for the millionth time since they met, Barney wonders how anybody could be as _good _as Ted Mosby.

"_Fine_," he relents, "We a had a fight,"

"You and Robin?"

"No, me and Bruce Willis. Of course me and Robin,"

"What about?"

Barney looks away and taps his hands on his bony knees, "Ah, I don't know. I forget. It's always been like this; we start and then we can't stop and we forget what we're even fighting about. God, it's really tough,"

_"Barney, you're not making sense anymore!"_

_"Because I never make sense according to you!"_

_"What the hell's that supposed to mean?!"_

_"It means you never listen to me!"_

_"How can _you _say that? You're the one who think that this marriage is all about him! 'I'm right, you're wrong,'- always!"_

_"Oh my God! How can _you _possibly say that?"_

_"Because it's true!"_

_"You- you're ten times worse than I am and you fucking know it, Robin,"_

_"Nobody's allowed to be on the same level as the great Barney Stinson, are they? Of course the King of Awesome has to be superior to everybody,"_

_"See- that, just then! Mocking me because you think I'm some cartoon character whose fun to have around, but who you have to switch off when you get tired of him! That's what you think I am and that's why you think you're justified in always getting your way, because you think I'm too mental to ever talk any sense. Well hey, Robin, newsflash- I'm a human being,"_

_"You think that's what I think? That's bullshit! That's the craziest-"_

_"Yeah, crazy, cos according to you I _am _crazy!"_

_"Right now you're talking like you are!"_

_He grabs her and mashes his mouth to hers, holding her by her hair. She struggles against this grip then manages to push him away roughly._

_"What the fuck was that?!" she demands._

_"You're hot when you're angry!" _

_"What gives you any right to touch me unless I ask you to?!" _

_"Oh, don't go throwing your feminism at me, Robin," _

_"That's not even feminism- it's treating me with any level of respect!"_

_"It's another weapon for you to use against me, of course it is,"_

_"There you go again- 'I'm the magic Barney Stinson and I'm right about everything cos I've got some stupid theory to back it up with so the rest of you can fuck off!'- I'm sick of it! Don't you_ dare_ touch me,"_

_"I've had enough of this," he spits._

_"Leave then, because running solves everything!"_

_ He doesn't care that he's letting her have the last word- he grabs his wallet and keys from the coffee table, slams the door without looking at her, runs downstairs and out into the rain, and buys himself a bottle of whisky from the 24-hour superstore. Then he hails a cab for Ted's._

"So, yeah, then I rang your door,"

"That's rough," says Ted vaguely; warily.

"I know," Barney closes his eyes, opens them and says, "Ted, can I hold her now?"

Ted looks from the baby girl in his arms to the half-drunk guy in the suit who's come from having a fight with his wife.

"Sure,"

He gently passes his daughter over, and Barney takes her with both hands and holds her up in front of him.

"What's this about you being sick, hey? Are you sick, honey? Come on, go to sleep. Your Uncle Barney's had enough hangovers to know that sleep solves anything,"

He strokes her hand, and smiles when she grips his finger tightly.

"She wants to sleep but she can't," explains Ted wearily, "It's not like she isn't trying,"

"That's not cool, is it, honey?" Barney pulls his finger out of the baby's hold, and lays her body against his shoulder, "We all get that sometimes. When you lie there being bored, like 'Come on, bro, lemme sleep, already,' but you can't. Aw, poor you. It's not your fault you're keeping you and your Daddy up all night, is it?"

Barney's always been annoyingly good with kids, Ted muses. He'll be the cool Uncle who buys the most fun birthday presents and tells the best rude stories and encourages the kids to have madcap adventures with him. He'll be a novelty to them. Because they'll always be a novelty to him.

"Remember when we adopted a baby?" Barney asks.

"Of course I do. Hurricane Mosby-Stinson,"

"Stinson-Mosby,"

"Mosby-Stinson. Until you had to give her back to James,"

"That was one of our top adventures, wasn't it?" he asks hopefully.

"Definitely. It made number one on the insane-things-Barney-talked-me-into list. Right above licking the Liberty Bell,"

"You and me, Teddy- the only two people in the _history_ of human civilisation to have licked the Liberty Bell. True story,"

"My wife doesn't believe that, you know. No one does,"

"They do when I tell it. Well, maybe not when I tell the version which involves us getting chased by a dragon while making out with the Olsen twins- dibs Mary Kate,"

At the time Ted thought the whole adventure ridiculous, and he'd wanted to get back home to his own bar in his own city- but they were more similar than he would have admitted then. Two single twentysomethings following a pair of girls to Chicago, and ending up licking the Liberty Bell. It must be ten years ago by now.

Barney carefully moves the baby so that his left arm's taking most of her weight, and, watching them, Ted realises that he and Barney are more different now than they've ever been. But they'll never stop being best friends.

Ted's train of thought is interrupted by Barney asking cheerfully, "D'you wanna bet on something?"

"With you- no,"

"I'll bet you," he's got that devious smile on his face, like he always does when he's coming up with a sneaky scheme designed to sway in his favour, "That I can get your daughter to sleep in five minutes,"

"I've been up with her for over an hour. It won't take you five minutes,"

Barney's eyes twinkle in response. "Ted. C'mon,"

"If I did agree to this- which I won't- what's the betting? Nothing over ten dollars,"

"You let me stay here tonight,"

"What?"

"I'll get your daughter to sleep, you let me crash on the couch. Deal?"

"No way. You won't get her to sleep and you've got your own damn home to go to,"

"_Ted!_ You swore in front of a _child!_"Barney covers the baby's ears in outrage.

"Damn is not a swear word. And you need to get back to New York,"

"You know I'm good with babies. Five minutes and she'll be asleep, and you can go to bed. Think about it- this little one in dreamland and you climbing under the covers and putting your head on that soft pillow, maybe to get a small reward of the sexual nature from your wife-"

"Barney. Home," Ted prods Barney's leg with his bare foot.

"I don't want to! I've stayed over at yours tonnes of times before- what does one more night matter?"

"Because we're not twenty-nine anymore! Because we've both got wives and I've got a baby! Because we're not in the apartment in Manhattan- we're in my house!"

Barney may have a wife now, but he hasn't grown up, Ted thinks. He still lives in the Barney Fantasy World. Ted liked that world more than he admitted, but he can't belong there now.

"Please, Ted," Barney holds Ted's daughter even tighter, rocking her against him, "Please,"

Damn those blue eyes. Ted runs a hand through his hair (his arms feel stiff from having held the baby for so long) "Is this about Robin?"

"No,"

"It is, isn't it?"

"I said No,"

"You're embarrassed to go home to her,"

"What? That is crazy talk. I just want to…stay here and make sure you're cool. You know, like bros do,"

"When have you ever done that? You can't fool me, Barney. Go home and tell her you're sorry,"

"Sorry for what? I told you I forgot what we were fighting about,"

"Say sorry for being a jerk,"

"I wasn't being a jerk,"

Ted gives him a look.

"_Okay,_ maybe I was...but she married me knowing full well I'm a jerk. It shouldn't come as a shock. It wasn't my fault we were fighting anyway- she isn't in the right. It may come as a shock for her to hear that though," he adds bitterly.

"You're mad at her,"

"Yes, I'm mad at her. I mean, it's...dude, you must have fought with her when you were dating and when you lived together. You know what it's like,"

Ted half-laughs drily, "Barney, you and Robin fighting is a hundred miles from Robin and me fighting,"

Barney smirks knowingly, and Ted adds, "Apologise,"

"I'm not apologising. You're right, you don't get it," he sighs and tries to explain, "We…we don't back down. We've never been like you lot, we won't - I don't know- set down our pride for the good of the relationship, or whatever is that other people do,"

_"Just tell her you're sorry,"_

"Don't tell me what to do!" Barney snaps, "I thought nowyou've got a family you'd stopped trying to live your perfect marriage with Robin through me,"

"Give her back to me," Ted reaches calmly for the baby.

"Go away!"

"Barney, you're drunk and you're angry and she's my daughter,"

"I'm not drunk. I've been drinking but I'm not drunk. I didn't even finish that bottle of whisky,"

"Give her back,"

A bro's baby isn't a weapon to use against him, so Barney hands her back to Ted.

"Thank you. Now…" he stands up, takes the phone from its cradle and tosses it to Barney, "Call her,"

"Nuh- uh. No way,"

"You've got to,"

"No- no, I don't. And I'm not going to,"

Ted holds his daughter firmly against his shoulder and says, "I'm going to tell you something, and I want you to listen,"

Barney cocks his head. Ted swallows and takes a breath,

"I was in love with Robin Scherbatsky on and off for eight years. I loved her from our first date until a while after our break-up. By the time she moved in with me we were great as friends- she was like my sister- but once or twice a year she's do something and I'd think, 'God, I love this woman,' and I'd be slightly in love with her for those few hours. And after a couple of years, those few hours a couple of times a year turned into weeks, and I remembered how good we were together. And fell in love with her again from around the time she was dating Kevin and you were in love with her too. And from then I don't think I stopped loving her until I met my wife. I never said 'I love you,' to Victoria when we dated the second time- probably not even the first time- because that feeling was reserved for Robin. I didn't realise, but I always had it in the back of my mind that it was going to be me and Robin. And we were a great couple and I was her best friend and we had so much fun together. And in the end- she married you, didn't she?"

"Yeah," says Barney flatly, "What's your point?"

"My point is-" Ted half-laughs and thrusts the phone towards him, "My point is that _you're_ her husband, and if it was me- Goddamit, Barney, it could have been me and there were plenty of times I thought it _should _have been me- I'd take this Goddamn phone and I'd call her,"

Barney hesitates, then says softly, "You said Goddamn in front of your baby. Twice,"

He gingerly takes the phone, shoots a faint smile somewhere in Ted's direction, and walks into the hall as he dials.

Ted thinks about those years falling in and out of love with Robin, when that whole time she was going to be with Barney. He remembers the wedding- and a rainstorm at a train station, a woman with a yellow umbrella and dark eyes like his own. He remembers their first kiss, and a year ago when she admitted nervously, "Ted. I'm pregnant,"

He sits down on the couch again, stroking his daughter's back, the fuzz of her hair tickling his chin. She isn't Robin's daughter, was never meant to be- because Robin was never meant to be his wife, his destiny. _This _was always Ted's future, and he'd had to…well, he'd just had to _wait for it._

When Barney hangs up and comes back into the lounge, Ted and his daughter are both asleep.

**Thanks for your time. I think this is one of my best stories and I'd love feedback- even if you're a loiterer, reviewing only takes a sec and is very much appreciated.**

**Thanks again, have a lovely day.**


End file.
